He asked to "fluff my boner.."
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
