If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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