well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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