Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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