According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
