We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
