Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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