A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
