I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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