this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
