After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
