Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
