I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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