he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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