You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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