i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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