Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
