I molested 6 butterflies tonight
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
