I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i wish my penis had a tongue
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
