i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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