you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I love you. Go after that dick
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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