He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
