my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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