I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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