So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
