How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
