I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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