see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
