Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
