history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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