I accidentally had phone sex last night
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
