I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
