Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
two words...techno handjob
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
