Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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