i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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