It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
