I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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