I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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