I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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