Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
