the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
