as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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