all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
