I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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