There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Sext me about skeletons
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
