paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
