i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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