I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
