Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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