I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
